Holiday Transitions

Welcome back, as it's a new year.

I have my holiday rules and traditions, some more recent than others.  However, I have two or three major things I do every holiday and have trouble making exceptions for them otherwise, sadly enough.

I have to see the Christmas light show while in Philadelphia, but if I left or didn't have easy access I wouldn't need to see it.  I also want to watch A Christmas Carol on Christmas Eve every year.  That is a tradition.

The big thing with me is that I have an issue with Christmas stuff on December 26 or later.  To be honest, my window is between Black Friday and Christmas Day since I don't really like holidays that are not in the same 'season' to overlap.  Christmas is pretty much a full season and the single grandest holiday ever.  However, I like to at least get Thanksgiving done before we start Christmas, and when it ends why the heck are we hung over from it?  There's so much emphasis on this season that it needs to be constrained to me.

Maybe I should play Aspie schoolteacher and note that for me, it's about a holiday routine.  It's also why I won't go look at lights after Christmas is over.

Overall, it was a good Christmas at that, and it's good to find another subject to write a mini-entry about.

I Have AS...Let's Have Sex.

Sharing a post about intercourse with an aspie.  This is more "mature content," but an interesting read nonetheless.

Nope, I'm not ready to write a counter from a man's perspective.  Still a little too personal.

Ever Think of Saying Sorry Too Much?

Yeah, I have not been updating much lately.  I take a long time to think of meaningful entries.  Sorry about that.  I do say sorry quite a bit, because I have a need for people to think highly of what I do.  I never want to be looked at in a negative connotation when the situation seems to be important or has a consequence.  So I end up apologizing for every little thing I do wrong.

Why should someone say sorry so much?  It's a scared impulse for me.  I get the impression that 'sorry' is a way to absolve yourself from blame for either what you have done or what you are about to do, even if the repercussions are minor at most.  To steal a page from a favorite book of mine, Stuff White People Like, I have some scenarios as to when I would say sorry:

• When I have a hapless accident, like spilling a glass for milk on the carpet or messing up an effort at work.  I exclaim "Sorry!"
• When I think I'm burdening someone with problems that should be kept to myself.  The word will come off rather defeatist in this case.
• When someone else gives me a problem of theirs, and I say the typical "Sorry to hear that." Usually no one says "don't apologize" after this version.
• When there's bad news about to break, I use sorry before, but usually I wait on the apology until immediately afterward.
• When I do something shameless, I say it in jest.  Sorry for the shameless Amazon plug.

The common factor here may relate to the desire of the Aspie to stay in good graces with the company around him.  We often envelope ourselves into character roles.  No exceptions with me, as I like my character roles also.  Only if I feel that I am content to play villain do I really avoid saying sorry.  Otherwise, I would not have any problems with that.  Apologies go into this sympathetic character and drive everyone to love him, not necessarily unconditionally, but they have a gratitude for what he does.  I don't really dwell on the character aspect much at all, but I do analyze it a lot more than I care to go into on this blog.

Back on the apology, it isn't as much about the conscious character I'm playing as much as an honest attempt for me to connect with the person I am talking to through a form of sympathy.  I end up overusing it, and people shake their heads.  However, what is good to me is that now people realize that I mean well, and I get the appreciation that I desired.  So in the end it seems like a win when there is an apology.  Nothing to be sorry about there.

I Repeat Myself

I have a great long term memory, storing so many little pieces of data once memorized.  It is ridiculous that I have this ability, and it is something I am proud to admit.

However, I don't always have a short-term memory in terms of what I tell others.  I tend to repeat myself a lot, recalling lines that I dwell on.  I end up having to ask people if I told them the time I did something, because I have only started to realize how often I repeat myself.  It's because I need to let my thoughts out and I'm unsure how to do so.

It's because my mind races three million miles a minute.  I need to let thoughts out, even if I'm repeating them over and over.

Data Data

I name this entry after an eccentric coworker who uses the word "data" so much in conversations that we just like to exclaim "data!"  Then he gets into it and says "give me data, fellas.  Data data."

So where, exactly, am I going with that?  Well, I am a person who likes data when making decisions, and when doing this project at work lately, I might have focused too much on the data and not on the abstract business picture.  I like when I have easily interpretable information in front of me where there is one meaning when it comes time for me to answer some sort of question.  I do like to think about the what-ifs and existentials, but I think of various scenarios that have data as a basis.  Data doesn't always have to be numbers.  It can also be simple factoids that relate to life as we know it.  However, data is tangible and not an abstract prospect, so I'm fine what standard data when I have to solve a problem.

I was always good with math, so that made data rather natural to come by.  So I think that gives me a natural inclination to also rely on hard data, which is easier for me to decipher especially since there are patterns involved.  I like that.

I also like my coworker's data jokes for worse reasons.

We Don't Fake Emotion Well

I have fake laughed too many times.  I have fake frowned.  I couldn't even act in live theater because my facial expressions were always blank.

I'm not the type who naturally shows his facial expressions without careful thought or consideration the majority of the time.  Maybe the only time I am consciously showing a face without deliberation is when I taste food that I don't much care for...particularly crappy beers.  Often my eyes and face are drifting in thought in some other direction, so it throws people off when I'm looking around, as if my emotion is mere indifference (which it frequently can be) when it's more that I still look around a lot.

People may think I'm actually upset when I make exasperated expressions to be funny.  It's because I don't naturally laugh all that much, but then again that might be a more common trait.  However, my fake laughs can be obvious.  My real laughs I try to suppress a lot and you can tell I find something to be really funny...usually a subject that no one finds funny like I do.  It's like I'm never sure when exactly is the time to laugh, which presents a problem in itself.  People don't think I'm depressed, however, which I love...I'm not one to like constant debbie downers here, to overruse that nickname.  So maybe I have a nice balance of emotion after all once I can figure them out for myself.

This entry didn't really make too much sense by the end, did it?

The Most Uncomfortable Scenes in Film

Last week I took advantage of my Netflix subscription to rent Mozart and the Whale, about two Aspies who fall for one another and end up leading this extraordinarily complicated relationship.  One problem I had with this movie is the uncomfortable misunderstandings.  The hardest element of many movies is when something is bound to happen that will be either a total misunderstanding of someone's intentions or when a protagonist finally is forced to tell the truth and is not greeted warmly.  I cringe sometimes at these.

One instance in that movie involved Isabel, the AS girl, and her aversion to metal clanging.  Donald, the AS guy, doesn't think of this and goes to show her the ring toss, which involves the noise.  I started to coil up knowing there would be a misunderstanding of some sort, as he threw these and she started to scream while coiling up on the ground.  Another popular example is from Avatar, when Jake reveals his true mission (the one he now opposes) to the Na'vi tribe.  I knew this wasn't going to go well for the sake of the plot, and I almost wanted to plug my ears as the tribe leaders reacted by casting him away, as they felt betrayed.  It's like I am connecting real life with cinema life, at least in the human elements.  Most of my favorite movies don't have these moments.

I have a problem with scenes of uncomfortable misunderstandings or revelations because I just hate them myself and try to avoid them by twisting my own words.  I am a person who generally holds a strong disdain for confrontation.  I have a fear that these are confrontational and don't want to see someone go through it...or at least I just want to know the effects without seeing it go down.  This does not mean it isn't necessary...if we write these scenes out of every movie I'm sure it would be a total train wreck by the climax.

The irony of it all is that if I was a screenwriter, I would likely include these sorts of scenes in the story if it called for it.  Never saying I could write a great screenplay, but this is just a what-if since I would love to be published for something during my lifetime.  I'll still keep watching movies, of course, but I don't think I won't cringe at these sorts of scenes.

Somehow I'm Not a Big Gamer

Wow, I went 18 days between updates.  I was so preoccupied, and I don't want to let this die before it gets started.

I like video games where I control my own universe.  I guess that's part of my appeal to The Sims, for instance.  I can start my own family.  Then I use the cheats to make them rich and give them a dream house.  I had a house with a family, and a house with just adults, and even started a love triangle.  I think I should start writing television pilots.

I used to want to build really powerful and invincible sports teams as a kid.  I would play Madden a lot back in the day, and I always gave the team members (well, the skill players) quotas for stats.  I totally orchestrated the games and would get pissed when the AI would trip me up.  For instance, I required my QB to go over 600 yards one day because he was the record setting start in his prime.  I wanted my running backs to especially get their rushing yards...2,000 in two seasons!  Crazy!  I was rigid about these stats, and it was not just Madden.  Basketball and baseball had the same style of quotas.  It was pretty embarrassing to see some of my tantrums in the day when something went wrong.  However, I learned to temper that and just started building good teams the right way...well, somewhat.  I don't really play that game much anymore, but when I have I do like to work with a team from scratch and build them into a dynasty, but I don't have to win the Super Bowl all the time.  It tells a better story this way.

However, I'm not big into video games really because I like the control that alternate universe more than I actually can.  The theory that I have is actually very simple...because of limited interests, I go through phases with certain games in particular and then I just quit.  I never got into games like the next game.  Really, the whole point of the entry was talking about the weird things I did with games which turned me into a non-gamer.  I don't have the control in games like Call of Duty or World of Warcraft (which I never understood the obsession over these anyway), so I can't really talk games or play much.  My interests are elsewhere.

Or I like the simple role players: Sonic the Hedgehog, Gex, and Crash Bandicoot will always be favorites.  I think I like the classic animation of Sonic, the one-liners of Gex, and just about everything wish Crash.  Then again, I do love the Tekken series and the original arcade version of Wrestlemania.  I have a PS2 and have no desire right now to upgrade to a next generation console.

That last part isn't all that 'autistic' because others like those games.  As it is, I don't think many autistics are gamers and I can't find research to support it either way.