This Time, It's Not Personal

A few psychologists have shown that a share of Aspies have this tendency to look past the normal when something happens and consider it something of a personal attack, which can be surprising because the typical convention is that people will take a lot of the literal things we say on a personal basis themselves.  Still, many of us consider something others say to be personal.

I am definitely one of those people.

The problem is that when someone does something to me that indirectly affects me after I was just in the middle of interacting with the person, then my first impulse is that what happened is about me.  Since I get so concerned about what I am doing at one time, I would think that they are showing the same concern with what I am doing because, well, it's so interesting to me.  I don't come out and say that, but I'm afraid of what they might be thinking about what I'm doing at the given moment in time.

So instead I'll ask the person if it was something I said or go crazy and say "hey, I did this differently" because I do not like when I am completely misunderstood (versus marginally misunderstood, which happens often enough).  Or there are times I might just be an attention whore as well, which can happen to anyone.

I am left having to tell myself that it's not what I think in various scenarios, to varying degrees of success.

• "Mom and Dad are just trying to watch their TV show so Dad can sleep considering his long hours."
• "It's not as if your friends didn't ask you to go to brunch just because they didn't want to ask you.  They just figured you were asleep" or "They just saw you take out that orange and assumed you had lunch."
• "Your boss just reassigned that part of the project to help you lighten your workload and focus on another important assignment.  It's not because she thinks you are incapable."
• "He didn't correct you to show you up; he only did it knowing that you're not using the practical etiquette, which might not impress the man you are visiting next week."
• "You were struggling.  You looked like you were struggling.  So obviously they offered to help and just happened to tell a joke about your struggle."
• "Your girlfriend isn't mad at anything you said; remember that she's often quite busy.  She knows you disappear for stretches too and wonders what happened."

There really isn't any other method that I can think of, beyond telling myself that others may take comments I say on a personal level.  However, I tend to just confuse others when I say things literally nowadays in contrast to when I was a kid.  I am someone who wants to avoid consequences, and when someone shows a reaction or non-reaction that may not be positive, then I start thinking that the impression I left was not what it was supposed to have been.

So yes, quite often I am one who will take a lot of actions and verbal cues on a personal level.

Sad part is, I don't know any other way to be.

So Knuckle Hair Has Died

I no longer play with my knuckle hair the way I once did.  I grew a beard this year.  So I play with that.

These ticks change bit by bit.  Years ago I pressed on my nose cartilage.  In high school I messed with my eyebrow hair and made it bushy.  Then came knuckle hair.  I also had a habit of playing around with my retainer back in the braces era.  As mentioned in the prior entry, I have always had a need to play with something, but not always out of a nervous habit.

Mentoring

So who here knows much about mentoring?  I just became part of an ad hoc committee for mentoring with our Aspie partnership, and it seems that they want me to come up with fundraising ideas.  I'm wondering if I should apply to write a grant, or maybe do something even bigger.  The key is getting things focused.

The general program idea is online communication between a secondary school student and a mentor of any age level as seen fit.  They speak regularly on advice questions, and there may be regional group get togethers if needed.  This would also be monitored for security.  I hope this turns out to make some sort of difference; I really want to put some energy back into that after running around like I was lost in the woods during 2010.

Speaking of 2010, I have something to say about that year a bit later.

Holiday Transitions

Welcome back, as it's a new year.

I have my holiday rules and traditions, some more recent than others.  However, I have two or three major things I do every holiday and have trouble making exceptions for them otherwise, sadly enough.

I have to see the Christmas light show while in Philadelphia, but if I left or didn't have easy access I wouldn't need to see it.  I also want to watch A Christmas Carol on Christmas Eve every year.  That is a tradition.

The big thing with me is that I have an issue with Christmas stuff on December 26 or later.  To be honest, my window is between Black Friday and Christmas Day since I don't really like holidays that are not in the same 'season' to overlap.  Christmas is pretty much a full season and the single grandest holiday ever.  However, I like to at least get Thanksgiving done before we start Christmas, and when it ends why the heck are we hung over from it?  There's so much emphasis on this season that it needs to be constrained to me.

Maybe I should play Aspie schoolteacher and note that for me, it's about a holiday routine.  It's also why I won't go look at lights after Christmas is over.

Overall, it was a good Christmas at that, and it's good to find another subject to write a mini-entry about.

I Have AS...Let's Have Sex.

Sharing a post about intercourse with an aspie.  This is more "mature content," but an interesting read nonetheless.

Nope, I'm not ready to write a counter from a man's perspective.  Still a little too personal.

Ever Think of Saying Sorry Too Much?

Yeah, I have not been updating much lately.  I take a long time to think of meaningful entries.  Sorry about that.  I do say sorry quite a bit, because I have a need for people to think highly of what I do.  I never want to be looked at in a negative connotation when the situation seems to be important or has a consequence.  So I end up apologizing for every little thing I do wrong.

Why should someone say sorry so much?  It's a scared impulse for me.  I get the impression that 'sorry' is a way to absolve yourself from blame for either what you have done or what you are about to do, even if the repercussions are minor at most.  To steal a page from a favorite book of mine, Stuff White People Like, I have some scenarios as to when I would say sorry:

• When I have a hapless accident, like spilling a glass for milk on the carpet or messing up an effort at work.  I exclaim "Sorry!"
• When I think I'm burdening someone with problems that should be kept to myself.  The word will come off rather defeatist in this case.
• When someone else gives me a problem of theirs, and I say the typical "Sorry to hear that." Usually no one says "don't apologize" after this version.
• When there's bad news about to break, I use sorry before, but usually I wait on the apology until immediately afterward.
• When I do something shameless, I say it in jest.  Sorry for the shameless Amazon plug.

The common factor here may relate to the desire of the Aspie to stay in good graces with the company around him.  We often envelope ourselves into character roles.  No exceptions with me, as I like my character roles also.  Only if I feel that I am content to play villain do I really avoid saying sorry.  Otherwise, I would not have any problems with that.  Apologies go into this sympathetic character and drive everyone to love him, not necessarily unconditionally, but they have a gratitude for what he does.  I don't really dwell on the character aspect much at all, but I do analyze it a lot more than I care to go into on this blog.

Back on the apology, it isn't as much about the conscious character I'm playing as much as an honest attempt for me to connect with the person I am talking to through a form of sympathy.  I end up overusing it, and people shake their heads.  However, what is good to me is that now people realize that I mean well, and I get the appreciation that I desired.  So in the end it seems like a win when there is an apology.  Nothing to be sorry about there.

I Repeat Myself

I have a great long term memory, storing so many little pieces of data once memorized.  It is ridiculous that I have this ability, and it is something I am proud to admit.

However, I don't always have a short-term memory in terms of what I tell others.  I tend to repeat myself a lot, recalling lines that I dwell on.  I end up having to ask people if I told them the time I did something, because I have only started to realize how often I repeat myself.  It's because I need to let my thoughts out and I'm unsure how to do so.

It's because my mind races three million miles a minute.  I need to let thoughts out, even if I'm repeating them over and over.

Data Data

I name this entry after an eccentric coworker who uses the word "data" so much in conversations that we just like to exclaim "data!"  Then he gets into it and says "give me data, fellas.  Data data."

So where, exactly, am I going with that?  Well, I am a person who likes data when making decisions, and when doing this project at work lately, I might have focused too much on the data and not on the abstract business picture.  I like when I have easily interpretable information in front of me where there is one meaning when it comes time for me to answer some sort of question.  I do like to think about the what-ifs and existentials, but I think of various scenarios that have data as a basis.  Data doesn't always have to be numbers.  It can also be simple factoids that relate to life as we know it.  However, data is tangible and not an abstract prospect, so I'm fine what standard data when I have to solve a problem.

I was always good with math, so that made data rather natural to come by.  So I think that gives me a natural inclination to also rely on hard data, which is easier for me to decipher especially since there are patterns involved.  I like that.

I also like my coworker's data jokes for worse reasons.