Really doesn't matter too much, in my opinion.
I notice that I alternate between words and phrases that are similar. I'm not sure which of these to use most of the time, and I don't think any of us need to use any words in particular. They are simply a bunch of descriptors for the same thing, or so it seems.
I am a person with many autistic "features" which is why I was diagnosed this way, but as one of that group, I'm among the class that doesn't take offense to being called any of the synonymous terms for autism spectrum people. Sometimes people can be particular about what version is used simply due to the diagnosis given. Sometimes people just like the sound of a different word and really love using that.
However, I think there's a good case that some of us just have personal preferences to what we like. I personally believe this: since I have the traits but I'm not sure which is the correct description, I can use any of those terms for now. It's another case of nouns turning into adjectives until further notice.
Of course, I just take the label 'eccentric' to keep things simplistic.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Father's Day and Future Fatherhood
I went back to my parents' house this weekend for Father's Day, as my brother and I actually made a full breakfast for the first (and likely last) time. It's good to know that our dad liked it as much as he did, even if the blueberry pancakes didn't look like the ones on television. So that makes me think about how I keep telling myself that I won't have children. Of course, that might be a total lie, because if I feel the need after finding the right woman, then maybe I'll have some.
That's not because I would completely want to be devoid of the greatest responsibility of all time. It's really because I do think sometimes that my own Aspie-ness would keep me from being the best father to my future children. As mentioned in a previous entry, there will be a ton of unpredictability with children. I would likely have an idea in mind of how my kids should act based on my own childhood and other parents' examples around me. Then when the child goes astray I would go crazy and possibly inflict more punishment than I should simply because of the hierarchy in my mind (father > child)...an accurate hierarchy, but something that my passive-aggressive persona would take to extremes.
I used to write down scenarios for kids my age (not real life kids, but imaginary ones), and gave them the right AP Courses and Honors, as if this were the scenarios I could go into and hopefully someone could follow. I imagined who could be the most accomplished one of the bunch. I have an idea of how my kids should be at this stage, and I could see two children as honors students with the right group of friends, maybe athletic accolades or debate awards, depending on which route they take. I would feel like my kids got screwed if they didn't get the award that was meant for them. I'd be a superficial father wanting the perfect scenario for my child and primarily for my satisfaction of my world. I used 'my' enough times. I want lab rats, not kids.
My mind is totally messed up.
It's been driven into me when I hear my dad tell stories about the birth of me, the birth of my brother, and how he became a different person who put the kids and wife first. There is a natural tendency about me, just like any other people, to be self-centered. Breaking from that is tough for the Aspie, as we have thoughts on our mind that we have to let out somehow, and it's also been established enough times that empathy is something lacking...an important part of selflessness. Right now, I still feel selfish, and I wonder sometimes if I will fully break from that selfishness.
The assessment of my future as a pop, if I ever do become one, is nothing predetermined. They say that becoming a parent changes you, and maybe that will change me too. Sometimes, regardless of spectrum or NT, it takes a long time to figure out the whole fatherhood thing. My dad didn't "give birth" (mom did that part while dad did the support and cheering part) until he was 39. Mom and dad aren't pushing us to have children just so they can be grandparents...my brother isn't really keen on having kids at this point either. Historically, I am a late bloomer socially...it took me longer to start figuring out myself than most folks. So I probably wouldn't be ready for fatherhood until my 30s anyway, when I slowly break from this shell. I know a share of Aspies who managed to be fine parents, more so than stories of those on the spectrum who had problems juggling a lot of important responsibilities tied to parenthood.
This isn't meant to be defeatist, but rather a reflection of why I'm glad I didn't become a dad yet. I know now I'm not ready, and if I do become ready that it might happen. If anything, the learning that would come from raising a couple kids and providing for a family would be one heck of a curve, and a challenge to enjoy. However, it would be just as daunting for me as it would for any other first-time dad.
I appreciate what pops does for our family growing up for than I even recognize I do. I think we all feel that way about our respective dads. Happy Father's Day.
That's not because I would completely want to be devoid of the greatest responsibility of all time. It's really because I do think sometimes that my own Aspie-ness would keep me from being the best father to my future children. As mentioned in a previous entry, there will be a ton of unpredictability with children. I would likely have an idea in mind of how my kids should act based on my own childhood and other parents' examples around me. Then when the child goes astray I would go crazy and possibly inflict more punishment than I should simply because of the hierarchy in my mind (father > child)...an accurate hierarchy, but something that my passive-aggressive persona would take to extremes.
I used to write down scenarios for kids my age (not real life kids, but imaginary ones), and gave them the right AP Courses and Honors, as if this were the scenarios I could go into and hopefully someone could follow. I imagined who could be the most accomplished one of the bunch. I have an idea of how my kids should be at this stage, and I could see two children as honors students with the right group of friends, maybe athletic accolades or debate awards, depending on which route they take. I would feel like my kids got screwed if they didn't get the award that was meant for them. I'd be a superficial father wanting the perfect scenario for my child and primarily for my satisfaction of my world. I used 'my' enough times. I want lab rats, not kids.
My mind is totally messed up.
It's been driven into me when I hear my dad tell stories about the birth of me, the birth of my brother, and how he became a different person who put the kids and wife first. There is a natural tendency about me, just like any other people, to be self-centered. Breaking from that is tough for the Aspie, as we have thoughts on our mind that we have to let out somehow, and it's also been established enough times that empathy is something lacking...an important part of selflessness. Right now, I still feel selfish, and I wonder sometimes if I will fully break from that selfishness.
The assessment of my future as a pop, if I ever do become one, is nothing predetermined. They say that becoming a parent changes you, and maybe that will change me too. Sometimes, regardless of spectrum or NT, it takes a long time to figure out the whole fatherhood thing. My dad didn't "give birth" (mom did that part while dad did the support and cheering part) until he was 39. Mom and dad aren't pushing us to have children just so they can be grandparents...my brother isn't really keen on having kids at this point either. Historically, I am a late bloomer socially...it took me longer to start figuring out myself than most folks. So I probably wouldn't be ready for fatherhood until my 30s anyway, when I slowly break from this shell. I know a share of Aspies who managed to be fine parents, more so than stories of those on the spectrum who had problems juggling a lot of important responsibilities tied to parenthood.
This isn't meant to be defeatist, but rather a reflection of why I'm glad I didn't become a dad yet. I know now I'm not ready, and if I do become ready that it might happen. If anything, the learning that would come from raising a couple kids and providing for a family would be one heck of a curve, and a challenge to enjoy. However, it would be just as daunting for me as it would for any other first-time dad.
I appreciate what pops does for our family growing up for than I even recognize I do. I think we all feel that way about our respective dads. Happy Father's Day.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I Can't Answer That Question
Has someone asked you a question simply because they want to hear your answer for entertainment purposes? You ever have that question you feel like you are being pressured to answer a question one way or another but you can't? Either that or you're afraid it will come out wrong?
Me too. I get that a lot more than some folks, as during my school years, people became aware of my social ignorance as I wasn't hanging with the crowds that used slang or double meanings. Back in the late 90s, for some reason that I still can't wrap my head around today (oh snap, there goes a double), people used the word 'staple' to describe others. So I was asked "Do ya think this guy is a staple? Do you think you're a staple?" My answer? "I'm not a thing that holds papers together. I ain't a paper clip either." The kids looked confused and concluded that I was, well, a 'staple' or something. Or there was one time I was asked the question about how many bases I ran when the person in question knew I had been talking to this girl the previous night. I didn't know how to answer it, so I jokingly said all of them. Combined with my dry delivery, I was taken a little more seriously then I expected. There was shock and a possibly sarcastic high five, but I had no clue what happened.
What I'm getting at is not as much the terms themselves as whether or not to answer the questions. In later years I have begun to keep mum, as most of the time I will get chuckled at if people catch on to my weirdness. So I decide to cope using one of two methods:
I have not been asked as many of these questions now since most of the world has matured. Nowadays I get asked questions by friends for a reaction on a rare occasion, but in the way that any NT would...or so I think. People have done it today, but over time I also realized who my true friends were, and they know their questions are stupid but they only rag on the random things I say (which my old roommates coined as 'Vossisms').
However, you never know if a kid in school will be asked a particularly humiliating question. Sometimes I would have been best to ignore them in the day, as the people asking these questions weren't worth anyone's time. Thing is, even if you don't know how to answer the question, then just don't even attempt to answer it. This might leave those 'cool folks' in the dust; you never know.
Me too. I get that a lot more than some folks, as during my school years, people became aware of my social ignorance as I wasn't hanging with the crowds that used slang or double meanings. Back in the late 90s, for some reason that I still can't wrap my head around today (oh snap, there goes a double), people used the word 'staple' to describe others. So I was asked "Do ya think this guy is a staple? Do you think you're a staple?" My answer? "I'm not a thing that holds papers together. I ain't a paper clip either." The kids looked confused and concluded that I was, well, a 'staple' or something. Or there was one time I was asked the question about how many bases I ran when the person in question knew I had been talking to this girl the previous night. I didn't know how to answer it, so I jokingly said all of them. Combined with my dry delivery, I was taken a little more seriously then I expected. There was shock and a possibly sarcastic high five, but I had no clue what happened.
What I'm getting at is not as much the terms themselves as whether or not to answer the questions. In later years I have begun to keep mum, as most of the time I will get chuckled at if people catch on to my weirdness. So I decide to cope using one of two methods:
- I mention that I don't have an answer (or 1a, that I simply ignore the question).
- I give them this really weird answer which is irrelevant to the question and throws off the person who is asking such a dumb question anyway. It's funny to me when I say "well, you expect me to answer it because of your own dull amusement, since you know I won't be able to give an answer that isn't ridiculous. So I think I'll have a little fun and run on. You may laugh, but I will forget you even asked. Memory is selective. Since I'm a mini-professor and all, you want to sit down for a lecture? I mean, if you ask that question you probably want a lecture, right?" I take the chance that I won't get beat up.
I have not been asked as many of these questions now since most of the world has matured. Nowadays I get asked questions by friends for a reaction on a rare occasion, but in the way that any NT would...or so I think. People have done it today, but over time I also realized who my true friends were, and they know their questions are stupid but they only rag on the random things I say (which my old roommates coined as 'Vossisms').
However, you never know if a kid in school will be asked a particularly humiliating question. Sometimes I would have been best to ignore them in the day, as the people asking these questions weren't worth anyone's time. Thing is, even if you don't know how to answer the question, then just don't even attempt to answer it. This might leave those 'cool folks' in the dust; you never know.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Utilizing Patterns
I like patterns. I use them every day, compulsively, and I enjoy this sometimes. I do many things in the form of patterns, from deciding how many things to get during a store trip, to how long my lunch breaks will be over the course of a week, to the amount of sets between free weights and machines at the gym, even to what days I should write these entries.
Take work as an example. I sometimes think about what times I enter and the length I work more than I should, though not necessarily more than the actual work. I will say to myself that I'm coming into the office at 8:15 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday simply because I haven't gone into work at the same time on those three days in a few weeks. This is on top of telling myself exactly how many hours I will work. After working a long week (45), and one less long (41.5), I may tell myself I want to work 44 hours because I haven't worked enough hours that ends in an even number. Ridiculous, yes, but not easy for me to personally break away.
Or there's even some of the records that I have by artists. I love music, of course, but sometimes I force myself to either like or not like an album this way I can own the 1st and 3rd album by the artist, coming up with a quasi-reasonable explanation as to why that second album isn't that great. I do this because I already have a combination of the three albums. Or there's a need to own a max of two 5-CD comps and two 6-CD comps at one time, which I thankfully abandoned.
My personal conclusion about my frequent need to do things according to a pattern is that it relates to my frequent need to do things according to a routine. They are generally synonymous, but I use them differently. I feel like these patterns are a way to use combinations to break from the monotony that comes with routine. It allows me to tinker with my own schedules and give myself the control over parts of my life that I usually can control. The need for patterns comes out of the need for systems, but the patterns are a forced variety. I don't want to compare it to something like affirmative action, but it's similar in that I have quotas I set myself up to have just because of the matchups.
The desire and need for patterns has tied into my recognition of patterns in daily life. For instance, when I was a child I knew which movie theatres in the area could not show the same movies out of reading the movie listings compulsively every week. For instance, General Cinema Northeast and the AMC Orleans could never show the same flicks due to the close proximity. In a way, it's a blessing because I did well in school with this ability. However, it could also be an annoyance for those around me.
Patterns are just something I find rather cool, and I have reasons for using these often. I'm not sure what other way to put it.
Take work as an example. I sometimes think about what times I enter and the length I work more than I should, though not necessarily more than the actual work. I will say to myself that I'm coming into the office at 8:15 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday simply because I haven't gone into work at the same time on those three days in a few weeks. This is on top of telling myself exactly how many hours I will work. After working a long week (45), and one less long (41.5), I may tell myself I want to work 44 hours because I haven't worked enough hours that ends in an even number. Ridiculous, yes, but not easy for me to personally break away.
Or there's even some of the records that I have by artists. I love music, of course, but sometimes I force myself to either like or not like an album this way I can own the 1st and 3rd album by the artist, coming up with a quasi-reasonable explanation as to why that second album isn't that great. I do this because I already have a combination of the three albums. Or there's a need to own a max of two 5-CD comps and two 6-CD comps at one time, which I thankfully abandoned.
My personal conclusion about my frequent need to do things according to a pattern is that it relates to my frequent need to do things according to a routine. They are generally synonymous, but I use them differently. I feel like these patterns are a way to use combinations to break from the monotony that comes with routine. It allows me to tinker with my own schedules and give myself the control over parts of my life that I usually can control. The need for patterns comes out of the need for systems, but the patterns are a forced variety. I don't want to compare it to something like affirmative action, but it's similar in that I have quotas I set myself up to have just because of the matchups.
The desire and need for patterns has tied into my recognition of patterns in daily life. For instance, when I was a child I knew which movie theatres in the area could not show the same movies out of reading the movie listings compulsively every week. For instance, General Cinema Northeast and the AMC Orleans could never show the same flicks due to the close proximity. In a way, it's a blessing because I did well in school with this ability. However, it could also be an annoyance for those around me.
Patterns are just something I find rather cool, and I have reasons for using these often. I'm not sure what other way to put it.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Video Clip Time: Intimacy
I post this video just because it's a bit interesting. Do the rules of intimacy apply to we the Aspies?
On a side note, there is another part of this PBS series which deals directly with Asperger's Syndrome, but that was too cliché to post.
On a side note, there is another part of this PBS series which deals directly with Asperger's Syndrome, but that was too cliché to post.
Monday, May 31, 2010
The Autism Speaks Stigma
It's a bit of a paradox as to why an organization that is supposed to profoundly help the autism community is looked down upon with scorn by other groups. Autism Speaks is the most recognized organization for autism research and awareness. Many a celebrity (I won't list all of them) has donated and appeared at benefits sponsored by Autism Speaks. They have a tightly run organization, even with psychologists pointing out signs of behavior and new about autism activism that are linked to the main site.
Of course, there are many folks connected to the spectrum who have major issues with Autism Speaks. The reasons behind this are that autism is looked at as a "regressive disease" per most language and events by the organization. Many of those who are high-functioning believe that autism should be treated as a form of neurodiversity. The videos produced in conjunction with Autism Speaks (look up "I Am Autism") are overblown and make it seem like autism is an end-all type of dysfunction. They also employ psychologists but are rumored to have no employees actually on the spectrum to provide a crucial viewpoint that would be expected from most non-profit companies with this sort of specialty.
If the last paragraph was any indication, I'm among the latter group who does take issue with the campaigns of Autism Speaks. There have been a couple moments where I ask myself why I do. In my own observation, it seems like the focus of Autism Speaks is misunderstood yet not overblown. My issue with them is that they put so much focus on those with low-functioning autism, which I can understand to a degree, but they appear ignorant to the fact that there are many autistics (meaning we the Aspies) who have blended in with society and have fine traits that would be lost if we were among the NTs. I think it's a point that doesn't get driven home quite enough behind all of the name calling and protests of Autism Speaks. I don't necessarily want to see Autism Speaks die a painful death, but I do not like the current way they operate and fail to take the perspectives of the entire spectrum into account.
I apologize for a lack of citations. It is really meant to be a short opinion. If there is more to post on this organization or others, which I'm sure there will be, I will have that when there is more time permitting. It's been a busy Memorial Day weekend. Cheers.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Expect the Unexpected
I know it's been six days since my last entry. The wait for an entry may be that long depending on what's happening. Most of the time you can expect 1-2 weekly blog entries.
I have had anger management issues over the years. Doesn't mean I'm totally hostile, as for the most part I'm docile. Problem is that I'm implosive. It was not until meeting with a psychologist in college that I figured out that the chunk of the rationale behind my anger issues is simply one thing many AS folks don't take very well to: negative unpredictability. When something happens that I totally don't see coming, I feel blindsided, and I react. This happens too often, as I often play out scenarios in my head and get stuck to them more than I should.
For instance, there was a time I took an exam in college and thought I did pretty good on it, thinking I scored 85-90. Got it back and I only had a 73. From there I went on to embarrass myself during the class, going on an attack of all the questions and trying to find every reason why it was wrong, asking hollow questions of "why" and "how" when the answers were in front of me. I just thought I knew and didn't know that day, but refused to accept it as I already had in my head that I would score near the projected mark. If I had thought there was a good chance I did badly, I would kick myself but I wouldn't have a mini-outburst like I did in that actual class environment. The same result would happen after each of the two scenarios, where I would talk to the prof one-on-one about the exam and get tips on improving. Thankfully, my professors didn't think I was totally psycho (or at least that's what they told me); they just thought I was somewhat intense.
Then there's the part of the unexpected that parents and psychologists focus on so much: the change in plans. I can deal with these well enough when there is some flexibility expected or if I am only half-excited about something. However, if I have a vision set up in my head, then there may be a problem. Just a few weeks back, I was back in my hometown and went with my parents to see Avatar. We didn't quite get to the theater in time to find three seats, and I had a conniption searching the theater desperately for three seats, because I expected that we would all sit together as a rule of thumb. After the scare of embarrassment from the parents, I calmed down and took a seat on my own and let them sit together where two seats were available. However, I was in a state where the impossible was happening, and I was willing to go through a tantrum to keep it from happening...which ultimately failed. There is also the abrupt change in plans when I am excited and looking forward to something, which became a big sit down conversation with me for those who are close to me. This is because they knew I likely would not deal with the news well unless it was totally explained to me.
Often I relegate my life to a script inside my head, with a little room for improvisation where I see fit. Sometimes the scripts are long-term, other times just for a routine part of the day. This leaves me for a lot of room to be disappointed, as I cannot control the actions of others (ultimately, nor should I). I never actually wrote down about what I expected from life, except for those goals lists that all people end up doing at various points in the life cycle. The problem I have with writing down goals are that I consider these goals to be realistic and concrete. When it feels like the carpet is pulled out from under me, I feel totally screwed and go from this lovable sweetheart of a person to a rampant whiner, complete with baby rattle. Now this isn't to say I do it often today, but it's a hard part to control. I can get mad at the big events not happening as planned, or at the smallest white lie going awry.
The way I got around this was through psychology and a series of talks, but it's not something that will just go away, as pessimistic as that may sound. It's really a matter of me learning to accept that when I play scenarios out in my head, they may not always happen. Instead, I end up playing the best and worse case scenarios in my head in advance to help me out. For example, I won't always get super confident that a girl will say yes to a date; I will picture what happens if she says she's got a man, if she is just afraid to let me down, or if she is going to jump back scared and then run into the night...this way I'll know it's coming and won't yell "I'm not trying to be creepy!" Seriously, though, playing different 'scripts' in my head is the backup plan that I never implemented as a kid (I hated backup plans the same way I hated doing more than one rough draft to a paper). It's also how I have managed to keep myself sane through the idea that a change can happen suddenly or that what I thought would surely take place did not. Helps me to keep from that spontaneous combustion moment known as implosion.
I have had anger management issues over the years. Doesn't mean I'm totally hostile, as for the most part I'm docile. Problem is that I'm implosive. It was not until meeting with a psychologist in college that I figured out that the chunk of the rationale behind my anger issues is simply one thing many AS folks don't take very well to: negative unpredictability. When something happens that I totally don't see coming, I feel blindsided, and I react. This happens too often, as I often play out scenarios in my head and get stuck to them more than I should.
For instance, there was a time I took an exam in college and thought I did pretty good on it, thinking I scored 85-90. Got it back and I only had a 73. From there I went on to embarrass myself during the class, going on an attack of all the questions and trying to find every reason why it was wrong, asking hollow questions of "why" and "how" when the answers were in front of me. I just thought I knew and didn't know that day, but refused to accept it as I already had in my head that I would score near the projected mark. If I had thought there was a good chance I did badly, I would kick myself but I wouldn't have a mini-outburst like I did in that actual class environment. The same result would happen after each of the two scenarios, where I would talk to the prof one-on-one about the exam and get tips on improving. Thankfully, my professors didn't think I was totally psycho (or at least that's what they told me); they just thought I was somewhat intense.
Then there's the part of the unexpected that parents and psychologists focus on so much: the change in plans. I can deal with these well enough when there is some flexibility expected or if I am only half-excited about something. However, if I have a vision set up in my head, then there may be a problem. Just a few weeks back, I was back in my hometown and went with my parents to see Avatar. We didn't quite get to the theater in time to find three seats, and I had a conniption searching the theater desperately for three seats, because I expected that we would all sit together as a rule of thumb. After the scare of embarrassment from the parents, I calmed down and took a seat on my own and let them sit together where two seats were available. However, I was in a state where the impossible was happening, and I was willing to go through a tantrum to keep it from happening...which ultimately failed. There is also the abrupt change in plans when I am excited and looking forward to something, which became a big sit down conversation with me for those who are close to me. This is because they knew I likely would not deal with the news well unless it was totally explained to me.
Often I relegate my life to a script inside my head, with a little room for improvisation where I see fit. Sometimes the scripts are long-term, other times just for a routine part of the day. This leaves me for a lot of room to be disappointed, as I cannot control the actions of others (ultimately, nor should I). I never actually wrote down about what I expected from life, except for those goals lists that all people end up doing at various points in the life cycle. The problem I have with writing down goals are that I consider these goals to be realistic and concrete. When it feels like the carpet is pulled out from under me, I feel totally screwed and go from this lovable sweetheart of a person to a rampant whiner, complete with baby rattle. Now this isn't to say I do it often today, but it's a hard part to control. I can get mad at the big events not happening as planned, or at the smallest white lie going awry.
The way I got around this was through psychology and a series of talks, but it's not something that will just go away, as pessimistic as that may sound. It's really a matter of me learning to accept that when I play scenarios out in my head, they may not always happen. Instead, I end up playing the best and worse case scenarios in my head in advance to help me out. For example, I won't always get super confident that a girl will say yes to a date; I will picture what happens if she says she's got a man, if she is just afraid to let me down, or if she is going to jump back scared and then run into the night...this way I'll know it's coming and won't yell "I'm not trying to be creepy!" Seriously, though, playing different 'scripts' in my head is the backup plan that I never implemented as a kid (I hated backup plans the same way I hated doing more than one rough draft to a paper). It's also how I have managed to keep myself sane through the idea that a change can happen suddenly or that what I thought would surely take place did not. Helps me to keep from that spontaneous combustion moment known as implosion.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
A History of Introversion
The autistic is typically an introvert. (S)he does not talk to people often, especially at large parties, and waits until the appropriate turn to speak. The autistic is not known for having large circles of friends and can generally be reclusive. There is generally a threat that comes from conversation, and when the autistic does become more outgoing, it is a frequent occurrence that it is the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Now that I got that National Geographic study intro over with, I will acknowledge that there's no exception here. So maybe I can end my blog, or explain. I am a guy with a lot of "friends" meaning that they are acquaintances I know from my college days, know from my high school days, or met at random or through a mutual friend. However, there are very few that I call true friends...and even I can be afraid to talk to them from time to time. That's really because my own introversion keeps me from letting people get close unless I choose the time.
Apparently I didn't speak that much when I was a child, as I preferred to stay inside my cocoon (house) with my parents and little brother, the three people I had a comfort zone with. Thanks to this, mom would set me up for occasional play dates with the neighbors' kids or kids from the preschool camps. Those broke me out of my shell, and I was especially encouraged to interact with the other kids in my K-1st classes. I was in a special education unit those two years, as they were unsure how I would function amongst the other 'mainstream' students. In the special education class I was free to act like me (for the most part) since other students were the same way. In first grade, this one kid and I would 'plant a tree' right before the end of the day. We would go to a different spot in the room and do the whole routine. Sometimes we students would use words in the wrong context just because the word sounded cool but it didn't sound wrong, and I wasn't aware of the concept of being made fun of by others. I just thought it was school and didn't know that this was anything odd. That was, until I hit the second grade and was actively mainstreamed in with other students.
The only problem is that introversion became greater during these years. Don't get me wrong, I made friends, but I was at my most obnoxiously extroverted during my years at Abraham Lincoln Elementary, where I would confuse the other students with some of my actions, talking about making fake movies and coming up with the most literal explanations for everything. It was starting to hit me that not everyone cared about the crazy stuff that I talked about, and it caused me to hole up slightly. I did it more so in middle school, as I wanted to be a 'cool kid' like anyone else, but I also didn't feel like I fit in with any certain crowd. The 'nerds' were too into Pokemon for me, while I was nerdier than anyone, into obscure sports stats and the weekly movie configurations.
By high school I had drifted from some friends while staying close to others. The interesting thing about high school was that I was definitely acting much more 'normal' than I did in my initial mainstream schooling but even more introverted. I became very focused on trying to enhance my transcript for college and recognizing my introversion to the point that I turned this into a persona. I wanted to be seen as enigmatic since I was a little weird, and fell into my own introversion. So I was talking to people and making friends, but also letting introversion consume me because I was set on getting into the best college possible and 'shutting up the haters' at any cost.
College was probably the best time for me to break out of the shell. Living in a dormitory and finding more "like-minded" folks involved in classes and programs essentially enforced connections with others. Also, some of the stereotypes of classes of people further broke apart in college. I also happened to view college as a fresh start, where I could
Fast forward to three years after graduation. Since I live downtown in Philadelphia, I am around more people than I have ever been, which allows for some random interaction. However, I prefer to keep to myself and blend in with the city most of the time. That doesn't mean I haven't met people within networks, as I have actually become friends with a couple current and former coworkers, and even a couple of random acquaintances who share my interests. It's really about making an effort to speak to others when I am comfortable, and other times I would just prefer to keep to myself. I have comfort in my introversion, as I'm sure most spectrum people do.
How do I deal with my own inability to be outgoing? I guess that's where things are different. As mentioned, I still talk to myself a lot, and on occasion someone would hear me do this (particularly sharing an apartment with 4-6 others during my last three years of college). I think even my neighbor upstairs can hear me from time to time. My other alternative is to start going on and on concerning a subject when I visit a friend, but that can be an annoying habit...ask my parents, my ex-girlfriend, or any of my closest pals. It's an easy way to talk to others when you have someone that might be able to answer you, compared to yourself. However, there are some subjects that I write notes on or just talk to myself about, and I've learned to be okay with that.
Not all of us with AS are introverted at the same level, as some may be better or worse than others. However, the amount of time we want to spent talking to others can evolve as we learn more about social mores and begin to apply them. It will never be easy for me to break from my shell of shyness out of the fear of saying something totally off-color, but I'm comfortable enough in my own skin that I know when I can afford to speak. Such as when I write a blog entry about talking to others!
Now that I got that National Geographic study intro over with, I will acknowledge that there's no exception here. So maybe I can end my blog, or explain. I am a guy with a lot of "friends" meaning that they are acquaintances I know from my college days, know from my high school days, or met at random or through a mutual friend. However, there are very few that I call true friends...and even I can be afraid to talk to them from time to time. That's really because my own introversion keeps me from letting people get close unless I choose the time.
Apparently I didn't speak that much when I was a child, as I preferred to stay inside my cocoon (house) with my parents and little brother, the three people I had a comfort zone with. Thanks to this, mom would set me up for occasional play dates with the neighbors' kids or kids from the preschool camps. Those broke me out of my shell, and I was especially encouraged to interact with the other kids in my K-1st classes. I was in a special education unit those two years, as they were unsure how I would function amongst the other 'mainstream' students. In the special education class I was free to act like me (for the most part) since other students were the same way. In first grade, this one kid and I would 'plant a tree' right before the end of the day. We would go to a different spot in the room and do the whole routine. Sometimes we students would use words in the wrong context just because the word sounded cool but it didn't sound wrong, and I wasn't aware of the concept of being made fun of by others. I just thought it was school and didn't know that this was anything odd. That was, until I hit the second grade and was actively mainstreamed in with other students.
The only problem is that introversion became greater during these years. Don't get me wrong, I made friends, but I was at my most obnoxiously extroverted during my years at Abraham Lincoln Elementary, where I would confuse the other students with some of my actions, talking about making fake movies and coming up with the most literal explanations for everything. It was starting to hit me that not everyone cared about the crazy stuff that I talked about, and it caused me to hole up slightly. I did it more so in middle school, as I wanted to be a 'cool kid' like anyone else, but I also didn't feel like I fit in with any certain crowd. The 'nerds' were too into Pokemon for me, while I was nerdier than anyone, into obscure sports stats and the weekly movie configurations.
By high school I had drifted from some friends while staying close to others. The interesting thing about high school was that I was definitely acting much more 'normal' than I did in my initial mainstream schooling but even more introverted. I became very focused on trying to enhance my transcript for college and recognizing my introversion to the point that I turned this into a persona. I wanted to be seen as enigmatic since I was a little weird, and fell into my own introversion. So I was talking to people and making friends, but also letting introversion consume me because I was set on getting into the best college possible and 'shutting up the haters' at any cost.
College was probably the best time for me to break out of the shell. Living in a dormitory and finding more "like-minded" folks involved in classes and programs essentially enforced connections with others. Also, some of the stereotypes of classes of people further broke apart in college. I also happened to view college as a fresh start, where I could
Fast forward to three years after graduation. Since I live downtown in Philadelphia, I am around more people than I have ever been, which allows for some random interaction. However, I prefer to keep to myself and blend in with the city most of the time. That doesn't mean I haven't met people within networks, as I have actually become friends with a couple current and former coworkers, and even a couple of random acquaintances who share my interests. It's really about making an effort to speak to others when I am comfortable, and other times I would just prefer to keep to myself. I have comfort in my introversion, as I'm sure most spectrum people do.
How do I deal with my own inability to be outgoing? I guess that's where things are different. As mentioned, I still talk to myself a lot, and on occasion someone would hear me do this (particularly sharing an apartment with 4-6 others during my last three years of college). I think even my neighbor upstairs can hear me from time to time. My other alternative is to start going on and on concerning a subject when I visit a friend, but that can be an annoying habit...ask my parents, my ex-girlfriend, or any of my closest pals. It's an easy way to talk to others when you have someone that might be able to answer you, compared to yourself. However, there are some subjects that I write notes on or just talk to myself about, and I've learned to be okay with that.
Not all of us with AS are introverted at the same level, as some may be better or worse than others. However, the amount of time we want to spent talking to others can evolve as we learn more about social mores and begin to apply them. It will never be easy for me to break from my shell of shyness out of the fear of saying something totally off-color, but I'm comfortable enough in my own skin that I know when I can afford to speak. Such as when I write a blog entry about talking to others!
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