Believe in Asperger Facebook Groups

Often we feel a little lonely and unable to communicate with our peers. That much has always been apparent since before I even began to blog. Hell, I get that feeling when I hang with good friends at parties or other social events, where I drift without butting into a conversation, or I'm not sure what to talk about. So often we need a like-minded group to discuss what is going on and how people on the spectrum can connect. I have joined a few Asperger groups on Facebook over the past year to find out more. What I figured out by last week is that experience is nearly the same everywhere. It's almost always an open forum. Though it's not necessarily a bad thing.

I think each of the groups has a similar objective: to help out people on the spectrum with personal issues or to give them some friends. Also for parents of the children on the spectrum to get more advice on how to handle children based on the experiences of people like me. On paper, it's an excellent concept. Many times we answer questions relating to our own experiences, and share some of our interests and fears. It can be very revealing how we perceive ourselves

However, I notice something perturbing. There is a common distressing theme of sensitivity and negativity. I see many posts where people declare they are leaving a group for something more open than the current one, or that opinions are vocalized to a point of rudeness. It's as if our lack of filter and our problems with criticism lead people to perceive commentary as inflammatory in nature. Some could argue that we can be really sensitive due to a lack of acceptance in previous years, so every perceived slight is bad. On the other hand, we are so brutally honest as a people that we don't hold back, which can get us into trouble. I often ask people "am I the only one who ____" among a certain peer group because it's fascinating, but I have at times looked either naive or snobbish due to such thinking.

It would be too simple to ask everyone to be civilized so that we can't be creating so many groups to join and leave. However, what is the key internally is to understand that we will run into these conflicts at another level because we are almost all on the spectrum. There will be fights, but there will also be the constructive conversation from the earlier topic. I'll definitely say that it helped me to gain a greater understanding of how others like me would act in situations. Basically, this entry is asking the question of what pitfalls come about with an Asperger discussion group. That's the greatest construction we can get from all of these, without feeling threatened by the abundance, or lack, of open conversation.

Let's keep this social outlet active in 2015, even if we can never make these forums perfect.

Salutes and Handshakes Under Pressure

No, I'm not going full political with this entry. Just partial! A news article making the rounds is about President Barack Obama and his salute to the troops while holding a beverage. Certain people are, naturally, bothered by this development. I frankly don't understand why it's a big deal. President George Bush (II) held a dog during a salute (which wasn't addressed until it became a counteroffensive to this), and the commander in chief didn't even make saluting a custom until Reagan. There are other issues open to criticism of a country's leader, which is why I had nothing to say on the subject. What this piece of "news" does for me, as an Aspie, is realize how easy a slip of conduct can be taken as an insult. That, and how hard it may be to have an autistic president.

The President of the United States has to deal with multiple issues happening at one time. Not that I know what the job is like, but the sensory overload is pretty huge from all accounts. When you're trying to meet with someone over important matters, it is easy for one to be unable to watch his or her candor. I'd have to command the armed forces, task my staff and the Veep with federal departments, and then assist Congress in getting deals done, which can be complicated by the majorities of each party (what every president went through at some point). I relate this differently to being the Chief Executive Officer and being an Aspie, as the CEO tasks are usually insulated to the company itself and the agreements with other companies and markets. Still very complex, but to me it seems more manageable and has slightly less of a public spotlight versus other cases.

Going back to the salute issue, I can relate. There was a moment a few years back where I attended a gathering of spectrum teenagers, and I was one of the panelists/speakers. I had to run out to catch my train at the end of the session, and while rushing out I shook hands with the owners who let me present. My last handshake, with the event organizer, was rather quick as I had to run along; almost as if I slapped his hand away. Apparently one of the people who also joined me was annoyed that I made my handshake so quick. She asked me the next time we met why this was, and quasi-lectured me that they were thankful to put us on. I explained the situation to the organizer in a thank you note, noting that maybe I should have taken a bit more time on my handshake in my mission to catch a train. That being said, I did have my reasons for committing an unintentional faux pas. Thankfully, I was clear with the organizer on my gratitude for the event.

I have had other similar moments in my life where I didn't understand the ramifications of missing a social convention, even down to quickly under-tipping a pizza delivery man. However, this first one comes to mind because the two events seem rather similar in nature. Often we have the main objective in mind, and these social conventions become secondary. Once again, I don't think President Obama is on the spectrum, but it's similar to how we occasionally deal with other things loading our minds. I do not envy the responsibility of being the elected leader of this country. The nervous breakdowns would make for some serious public fodder.

That all leads me to ask, how would a president on the spectrum handle major conflicts?

Recapping a Speaking Engagement

Earlier this month, I was in Philadelphia for a weekend trip. Hadn't been back in nearly six months. The reason was an autism awareness benefit put on by members of the city's hip hop community. Two of the event organizers have children who were diagnosed with ASD, both younger than 10. My brother was one of the performers that night, so he had requested my presence. It was an opportunity to speak to others while providing some hope for the organizers, that many of us can make it in the world.

The event was set up to give to a local group called The Big A Foundation, a camp for autistic children focused on sports and arts. The founders were in attendance, though I unfortunately did not get much time with them. Though if you're a Philadelphia area reader, check them out for yourself. While having not worked with them personally, the focus of the camps and discussion with one of the parents definitely provides enough of an endorsement.As all proceeds went to the group, they eliminated the guest list as they have at most music events, meaning everyone was to donate...a good plan if you ask me. Allowed for nearly $1500 to come in for the night.

My piece kicked off the show. Below is a loose transcript for my speech (I went off the cuff slightly):

Here I am standing in front of a crowd of hip hop heads for an autism awareness night event. If you asked me if I’d ever do public speaking, I probably wouldn’t think of this. Then again, I probably wouldn’t think to be my current life situation, having slowly left my comfort zone over the years.

You see, I was diagnosed with high-functioning autism at the age of four. I didn’t really talk much,  I lined up my toys by colors and sizes as much as I played with them the way they were intended…I loved building blocks for that reason. I ran around in circles aimlessly. Once I was diagnosed, my parents ran into a paradox. Their concern was taking care of me into adulthood, but at the same time psychologists were noting that I was gifted and could attend some of the best colleges.

I first went to a special education class in kindergarten and first grade, where my social and mental abilities could properly develop. It was essentially where I got to interact with other kids and not experience the initial pressures from hanging with peers. It was then determined that I had progressed enough to leave special education for the regular classroom. Along the way I exceeded the expectations of many, graduating high school sixth in my class, gaining a full scholarship to Shippensburg University, and then graduating with honors distinction and landing a nice IT job, eventually leaving the Philly area for Raleigh, North Carolina in 2011. I’m now enrolled in the MBA program at North Carolina State, and by the end of the year should be a Microsoft Certified Database Professional.

My timeline has been solid, and I’d like to believe that I’m one of the stories of someone who made the best of ASD. However, let’s be real…there is always doubt on how well a child on the spectrum will turn out. Some need longer time in life skills classes, or to go to vocational schools. Some may graduate from college but struggle in the job market, and realize that it’s similar to most other folks. It’s hard to say, but the key is learning now. This way when you see me today, I’m merely up on stage as an eccentric bozo, and not an alien life form.

What helped me in a big way was the network. Family. Teachers. Psychologists. Even my peers as I got older and more comfortable with my diagnosis. They didn’t see my autism as something to be cured, but rather to be embraced. My ability to work logical equations has led to a fine IT career. Hell, I make a great bar trivia partner with my random sports and entertainment knowledge from reading so many Box Office Mojo and Billboard charts. What the kids who are different need is a network to express themselves and not ridicule them when they do something different, but to understand why they do it, and help them improve.

This isn’t to say I became someone really hip. Never a word that can describe me. For instance, I love hip hop, but I cannot recall 90% of the words to any songs, because there is so much overload. I know bits and pieces. However, it’s an instance of wanting to fit in every time I fake it, before someone like Mike can tell me that I’m doing it wrong. We’re also mostly Literal Larry, trying to think we’re in on the joke, but that’s about it. Once I figured out sarcasm…I didn’t get better. However, time and patience allowed me to get a better idea, and being honest about this shortcoming. Most importantly, we’re not social. We’re a bit withdrawn, but that’s because sometimes there’s so much going on that we gotta get out before we explode. I love live music because of the distraction. I hate clubs because you’re fighting everyone else. I didn’t get into live music until I was a teenager who was less sensitive to the “loudness” of concerts.

You can see so much potential. I recall 2010, going to meet with some kids brought together from Philadelphia schools. Seeing other children on the spectrum gave me a greater perspective on how I could help them. Along with playing with the children in groups, we asked them about their dreams and goals. One kid, a ten year old named Alan asked me how to get along with others. I admitted that it was a bumpy road, and others in his school probably wouldn’t know any better, not at least until he got to college. I said that what matters is the end; it’s not easy, but what others think is not what matters. There will be awkward moments, but if you embrace them and work on them, without forgetting to stay true to yourself, you will gain the respect of others. I knew that even with all his mannerisms, he has the potential to be someone amazing.

As the great philosopher, the Sage, the non prophet Paul Francis once declared, “I am different, in a different way. The only thing that stays the same is change.” That’s essentially who we are, where our differences are not really everything you expect, and that we’re still all humans. Basically, we’ll have to work harder in some areas, but we also have the ability to succeed at anything we try. Our brains are merely wired differently. People call each other weird all the time, but not everyone fits the weird you think. The autism spectrum is something to care about, because these are people who can still do great things like everyone in this building has done tonight. Autism doesn’t make a person incapable of life; the person just needs to be embraced in society like anyone else. All we are is a little different, but we're all human.

Thanks for coming out to support the spectrum!

Speaker in action.

This engagement was. Props to The Fire (the host venue), Rec Raw, Reef the Lost Cauze, and my brother Mike for making everything possible, and for the conversations. My expectation is that I could give hope to the parents with young children and much uncertainty.

Career Enhancement

Last month, my company went through major downsizing, losing well over half our workforce as a result. That included me as part of the purge. My employers didn't want to drop me, but they could only keep so many essential employees who had a role in the still-existing initiatives. So this is basically another journey in between jobs; I doubt anyone likes not being able to leave a position on one's own terms. I definitely don't like the pattern of this happening. However, I'm confident in my ability to land on my feet sooner than later. It just takes a lot of effort, to say the least.

One thing that many of us on the spectrum struggle with is, to put it bluntly, networking. We get nervous on having to talk to strangers and folks we don't normally interact alongside daily. It has taken me some effort to talk to a few contacts that I haven't been in touch with for some time, to explain my situation, and then see what they can do for me while asking about return favors. Similar situation to obtaining two of my three references for graduate school. After a conversation with my mom one afternoon about the hunt, she asked me about resources I potentially had not tapped. I then found a great article on how not to reach out to contacts, and attempted to do the exact opposite. There has been some success so far, as I have a few interviews which kept me from finishing this post. I've had big interviews this week, and another major one on the way.

During this time, however, I'm also taking advantage of opportunities for training. I will be attending a state scholarship session next week to find out if I can secure the necessary monies to take part in MCSA course training for at least one of the three exams. During the summer without MBA classes, I figure I should finally take advantage of this and possibly get discounts on the exams themselves. Then there is also the community. I did some increased volunteer work with the Autism Society of North Carolina and was able to share information about my search while I was at it.

So how do I relate this to Asperger's? Simply put, networking is difficult when you don't want to make a bad impression, and training is hard to approach without assistance. We often doubt we will find ourselves in a good employment situation, not even realizing the skills we possess beyond the logical. Soft skills get developed over time, but often it comes down to the what and what not to do tutorials and examples that I shouldn't rehash on here. There are two books worth checking out regardless of industry, if having doubts.

Thankfully, there has been a ton of encouragement, and blogs presented by friends who are totally neurotypical (check out Reinvent Your Wheel and you will be encouraged) on to all of the spectrum entries from the past have helped. I have also remembered a couple pointers from a previous GRASP Philly session on employment, where a career coach helped answer questions like the ones above: to keep eye contact and remain natural. It just takes some time and some patience, as I'm finding out now that the jobs are interviewing for me.

UPDATE (5/17): A great company presented me with a great offer. We come full circle.

The Social Network

So I'm back after four months of, well, not blogging. Got caught up with everything else in life. I completed a sprint triathlon, continued to get the ball rolling on a Raleigh-Durham GRASP partnership chapter, attended a database summit in Charlotte, prepped for my MCSA exams and the upcoming MBA coursework, and began playing in way too many fantasy football leagues for my own good. Last but not least, I had many fun weekends with friends in the Triangle.

Lately I have told myself how thankful I am to have the amount of friends that I do, and that most of them are legit. It's a great feeling, because somehow I'm merely an occasional eccentric who puts his foot in his mouth, or a live representation of a television caricature at worst. When I consider how difficult it has been historically for me to make friends, this sort of thing makes me that much more thankful.

Moving to a different state was hard enough, as I chronicled before. I did not know anyone in the Triangle; in fact, I only had Lindsay as my NC connection and she was nearly two hours away in Roanoke Rapids. I knew that this could potentially lead to me actually recognizing that I was alone, something that Aspies often worry about but I had become unfazed by through my own introversion. How was I going to meet people and potentially make friends, and even more so, find places to explore around Raleigh, Durham, and surrounding areas? I decided to take the route that was perfect for an Aspie like me who likes predictability and more homogeneous settings: the social website Meetup.

Living in Philadelphia, I still had my network in Levittown and the college friends I kept in touch with had remained around Pennsylvania and Maryland; I also had coworkers and other professional associates who were part of my generation. I didn't think I had reason to join Meetup back then. This time I decided it was worth joining for people with interests. The part of North Carolina I live in consists of many young professionals and graduate students who relocated from other states, just like me. Maybe there were groups specific to those types, and I made note of that as my top priority. I next added my interests on the site, like most people, which included autism. Found an Aspie group as well.

My concern about the autistic community is that we can easily lose ourselves in the online world without actually going to meet people. C.S. Wyatt, whose The Autistic Me is among the best blogs I have read, produced a great post on a person, a "lonely Aspie," who was spending nearly $200 weekly on camera chats with females and game forums. An expensive habit. What Wyatt says is advice that is tough for us to give our fellow spectrumites:

His friendships and his "relationships" aren't real. They just aren't, at least not in my view. He argued that his friends were as real as mine. "[you] don't have that many followers or friends," he pointed out to me. "I have 700 friends on Facebook and over 1000 Twitter followers. You don't." 

I was at a complete loss for words. Yet, because I can't keep quiet when I should, I reiterated my belief that to make real connections, you have to leave the virtual world. 

Lonely Aspie didn't like my advice. He didn't want to meet strangers at concerts, parks, or elsewhere. He didn't want to use Meetup.com or Facebook to find groups with interests similar to his. He actively resisted my suggestions, and seemed set on spending his money on games and cam girls.

It's possible this person would not join Meetup due to the requirement of meeting in person. I guess I can understand that, but with my own story (and my own issues with empathy), I am not certain why someone feeling lonely would not want to use that as a network to make friends. If I'm the only one at an event just stalking there, hoping to see someone for conversation, it doesn't feel right. Okay, sure, I'm like most guys who will occasionally attempt to pick up a female at the bar. However, it's not an easy game when you're going off looks alone (it's cocky, but I believe myself to be a fine looking yuppie); this is what makes online dating much more productive. Same goes for groups meant to make friends or professional connections. Wouldn't something as organized as a social group be easier?

I guess my relief is that I found an easy way to make friends, and got out of the inevitable shell the best way I knew how. It's why Meetup, Facebook, and OkCupid are great for autistics looking for professional, social, and dating connections, but sometimes we get so scared of embarrassing ourselves in person that we turn away. It's rather dangerous if we trap ourselves.

Besides, social media can help promote worthy causes.

Dissecting a Creepy First Date Email That Sounds Like It's From an Aspie

"You're a good man, but you're bad for the women you choose to date."

That's what I was told the other day when I caught a friend up on the details about my dating life that I felt like catching him up on. He's a spectrum person like me, and was asking me about dating experiences (maybe I'm still the "resident player" among Aspies and high-functioning autistics, though I sure don't feel like it). His belief is that my looks and initial charm rope them in, until they find out exactly how logical I am. Okay, so I have been seeing one girl regularly, and I'm putting more energy into that relationship than first dates, but I'm also still figuring out what I want post-Lindsay and can't settle until I know I've achieved professional goals. So here's what you'll really be interested in...

I did a random Google search about terrible first dates after talking to him, and found this email that a man sent after a first date ignored him. It's a 1600-word message that may be cringe inducing to some, but I didn't think of it like that (rather, I was once cringing at the fact that he even hit 'send' after writing his thoughts). I looked at it and realized that his thoughts were indeed more similar to mine than I expected. I cannot help but think this guy would be similar to me. Lately, after my last two first dates, I asked them point blank if they actually wanted a second date or if they planned to let me down nicely; calling their bluff if you will (both times that was the case, and I don't think my question had anything to do with it).

So now I break down this email and where my thoughts on dating are similar, or different.

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages. FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email.

Well, that's a strong way to start...not a positive strong, but a harsh strong, yo. It's true that these are impersonal, but sometimes it is our best way of starting out communication. That's why I've become okay with text messages, as my words are ever so slightly clearer via messaging versus using my voice and thinking two sentences ahead about what I will say. However, every time I have told someone important to me "we need to talk" we actually talk, just because it's common courtesy. So that would be a starting point, but "can we talk" would have sufficed.

By the way, I did a Google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

Hey, I do Google searches too, because knowledge is power. However, I don't stalk to the point of finding her email and telling her how I found it. That was one thing I never had to learn the hard way.

His first two signs of "mixed signals" during the date:

You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a Google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I've never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn't look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I've never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

To be fair, yes, they are signs which I pay attention to, and I felt bad for the guy here. I'm not used to women playing with their hair out of boredom, but rather playing with their drinks or looking at their cell phone after 40 minutes. Since I'm relatively terrible when it comes to body language, I have to go on the basis of the tips they provide us in Google searches. They also claim fiddling with jewelry as flirtation or nervousness, which has proven true every time for me. As for eye contact, I certainly focused on that often; if I lock eyes I'm more likely to keep her around, unless I'm the one disinterested (which has happened...I'm single, not desperate).

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

Of course, I'm not in the market for anything monogamous. However, I wonder if something halfway between his above statement and "yeah let's do this again" should be brought up right at the end of the date. Obviously, I want a first date to turn into a series of dates until we decide it won't work. She's free to leave when she wants. However, I will not lie, as I have sent a text after first dates in the past, about a week later, just to check in about date two before finding out one of the possibilities. The only part that bites is when they stop texting back, so I keep myself from going off and hating:

We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we're both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn't be seriously involved with a woman if she didn't like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests.

Another legitimate question that was probably covered during the date. It's one thing that has frustrated me throughout my relationships, and even with girls I have dated over the last five months. Trust me, I want a girl to like good music (and if she agrees that Nick Drake's "Northern Sky" should be our song, then I might start ring shopping early...haha). I also want to share in other interests when possible. I dated a girl I met through a mutual friend for three months, and she helped get me even more into biking. Her and I may have ended our romance, but I realized that I sure want someone who likes bike riding if I'm going to go next level. I digress; I think Mike's point is worth bringing up if Lauren wanted an extended conversation without being prompted by that email.

We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn't find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date.

The best flattery I have received by most women is that I look a bit like Ryan Gosling, except that I'm a bit more like him in Lars and the Real Girl versus a film like Crazy Stupid Love. I'm confident that looks have gotten me halfway, and that every female thinks I have an incredible posterior.

Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I've done very well as an investment manager. I've made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros' sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That's a unique characteristic; most people aren't like that.

Mike, man, an investment manager a real job. I think all the females are concerned about is that you have a good job and can keep a work-life balance. Not always easy for me, as I have noted in past entries. This is a part I don't even consider as to why she didn't want to go on another date.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

True, though I am sometimes the insensitive type. We already know I struggle with empathy. So I could easily deploy my own system just to get through the dating life cycle:

Okay, not really. I'd rather put the energy of an actual date into the time I spend with a girl I see on a consistent basis. At least Mike is not pathetic like Dennis.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too.

That is definitely way too straightforward. I may find a girl less appealing when she doesn't reply, like any man would. One time, a girl said she wanted to go out to dinner for a second date without me prompting her, and when I asked her after a day pause, no response. If you say you want to go to dinner, that means you want a second date! Give me a good reason why you are the first person to say this! I was still up for the dinner if she ever replied back, but I certainly wasn't covering the tab. Consider that my sadistic revenge.

If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn't like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

The last sentence adds to the creep factor because it's petty. However, the first part sounds like what an Aspie would say. I would probably put a smooth tone on it and try the first sentence that way (likely failing miserably), but I admittedly have used that above note when dealing with communication in relationships...not my best moment. The second sentence, though, is really just good advice, and I don't really see that as a problem if he ever sees the girl again; I would say it's her loss if it weren't for this email. Instead, you look like bitter guy.

If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

That's exactly why I asked the question at the top at the end of the first date. Maybe it makes me look overly cynical, which I'm not, but I'd rather just know now so I can know better next time. Since I hardly know her, I like to learn right away. Any girl I'm currently seeing should know how to be kept anyway.

The final paragraph is where he lays it down thick:

Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at [number]; (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt.

At least he does what I do on bad first dates and advises that he's not trying to sound a certain way. My thing is to tell others "don't take this the wrong way" before speaking, especially if I fear my foot will enter my mouth. She might not have liked the date, or maybe she just felt a bit jaded. By this point, though, he should expect the worst. I never got yelled at after a bad date, but when I asked for honesty from someone who could not hurt me at all, I definitely got it.

Read the rest of it if you want, as you may be cringing like I was for other reasons.

I don't know the details of this date beyond the posting, so who knows if he really acted like me. I also cannot say if he was an Aspie, as much as we can tell each other when we are. However, his response sure sounds like what may go on through my head after a first date heads nowhere and I don't even sense it. At least two first dates, in addition to the three-month period I mentioned earlier, were the only times where we both had clear signs that things were over for various reasons. Otherwise it was simply getting over confusion. Hey, the first girl I dated consistently after my breakup in 2009 was one I saw for six weeks, and even her decision to break things off had me thinking about all these signs above. Thankfully all I did was say "okay" and I got the reasons from her without having to write 1600 words.

Where I basically agree with Mike is that it would be nice to know why she didn't want a second date. To my credit, at the end of a couple dates that didn't go so well, I straight up said that it wasn't going to go anywhere, as nice as the chick was. He probably wanted more than I did, but I can also see myself, if I was ready to get real serious, kicking myself when something with potential didn't quite make it. I have been told that in some cases, our personalities didn't match, and I just went on.

However, keep these thoughts in your head! Also, let it go if it's been a few days and you don't hear anything. Otherwise you will certainly be subject to ridicule, and that's something I unfortunately cannot disagree with. Mike, if you ever see this, you have my sympathy. Just don't ever write a long email again; that's bad for any woman you date.

Better yet, don't start falling in love on date one.

Losing a Loved One

I have returned after two months of slacking not having a post to write.  It had been a worthwhile and eventful summer.  I began my graduate school applications, and took some nice weekend trips.  I moved to a new apartment in the Raleigh area in August.  I felt a sense of vindication at work over new projects and our business intelligence switch.  Labor Day weekend involved a trip to Wilmington.  It was a summer of both questions and answers.

Then my whole world changed in the early morning hours on September 6.

I received a phone call from a North Carolina state trooper at 1:40am. He was calling to inform me that Lindsay (my girlfriend) was in a car accident, and did not make it out of the hospital alive.  Deaths in car accidents are news you see, but it's rare that any of us believe we will go through that experience with someone close to us. I was in a very lost place after I got the news, and then phone calls from her mother and her roommate (who had become one of her closest friends very quickly) proved that we weren't alone in this confusion.  One of her friends at her complex offered to drive out to Cary to pick me up, but I really just wanted to be alone for the time being.

After that first night, however, I discovered exactly why it was good to have people around, and more people than I ever could have expected.  I've always been more of the loner type, not really comfortable getting too close to anyone outside of his immediate family, and one who wasn't always sure who he should call his friends.  However, I found it one of the rare pleasant surprises, knowing that so many people had my back.  I've slowly been driving myself back to sanity with this thought in my mind.  I didn't figure out how to cry over it, but I'll be damned if I didn't put together my best mix CD ever thanks to this tragedy; my end combo of Moby's "My Weakness" and Bon Iver's "Beth/Rest" got to me the first time I played it in full.

I didn't mention her much in my blog as I wanted to leave names out of it, nor did I know how to discuss my love life. We had difficulty during our relationship, particularly this summer, in part because of my general detachment and some difficulties with affection.  I had been in relationships for 6.6 years and still hadn't figured out how to properly show affection, up to the night of Lindsay's death.  We had been together for what had felt like at least five or six years, the way we had been hot and cold before.  There's one important detail to note about us...she was happy, after so long, to finally get the guy, since I had come to a point where I knew we could be comfortable.

With this death, I have had some other thoughts consume me.  Thankfully, none of those thoughts have dealt with the inevitable "what if" that frequently comes from such loss.  However, there are three big ones nonetheless.

• What have I done with my life and what more can I do? As most Aspies go, I'm not great at focusing, so I feel that I haven't allowed myself to properly focus on priorities at hand. If I had been checked in, I would have already taken the GMAT this summer.  I gained even more ambition while dating her, but still had troubles focusing my energy on one activity, and utilizing the obvious excuses for not yet applying for my Masters Degree.  I did allow myself to really consider what schools I should apply to in the wake of the tragedy, and even though she was pushing UNC, I'm realizing that NC State's MBA program is my best option, and I could pour myself even further into my professional associations.  Maybe having this extra time should motivate me, even though I was too numb and too distracted for a couple weeks, throwing off some of my graduate exam studies.  Then I can finally resume my musical pursuit and get that EP finished, with her cover art as the dedication even if she wasn't around to see the final product.


• I have also began to question the afterlife more so, at least if someone leaves earth before their time. I "experimented" with religions for a couple years of my life, particularly my freshman year of college.  It made me appreciate faith more than I had in my years before college, even if it wasn't something I could keep up myself and challenged often.  Some days I start talking to Lindsay as if she can hear what I'm doing or can possibly see into my thoughts and any transgressions or memories I have of her.  There are other days where I start to bring this up with God. It will be along the lines of, "Hey God, how does this happen? I wonder if You had a different idea for Lindsay once she left early." Now I don't believe God is a person, but rather an energy...the biggest mystery known to man, even beyond Higgs Boson or other scientific and spiritual questions and answers.  There's also the semi-Buddhist likelihood that once she "saw the light" her own spirit transfers into a newborn somewhere else in the world, a reincarnation, although the newborn will have no memory of Lindsay for neurological reasons.  I ponder what may be possible, in true agnostic fashion.


• Once I'm ready to hit the dating scene, I do think about what will happen if I have to break the news about why exactly I became a single man.  I believe I'm near the point where I can go on some dates, where it wouldn't be just company to cope with the loss. If I do get close enough to someone, how do I go about dropping the inevitable?  I've likely pondered this more than I should for the last week because of situations with the opposite sex lately.  More so, what lessons can I learn from this past relationship? I gained a lot and learned more about myself and commitment  and I probably don't want to get into anything long-term for a while, but knowing my history I'm bound to end up with someone soon enough and will be able to not always think about the past.

They say time heals wounds, which it has been so far.  However, time isn't going to ever make loss go away.   What I compare it to is an injury, and losing my lady is comparable to a battle scar.  If you puncture it too much it will explode; if you leave it alone it will be a legacy. I know all of us will move forward and I'll love again. The best part is being able to stay positive lately, and how I've become closer to everyone she knew.  I'm not going to write a book on "how to deal with death" from the perspective of someone like me, but at least I can refer to such a time if it ever happens again.

This one's for you, Lindsay.

I Can't Decide

One thing that some aspies have more problems with than others is decisiveness.  I even have that issue on deciding what to write for this blog some days, hence weeks without posts.  Well, that and time.

I was confronted with a decision on what song I should continue to work on for the upcoming music project that I will release next month (self-promotion moment).  I've been told the beat tape should be longer, but I'm afraid of releasing lackluster tracks on it. Not sure what would be better when I weigh pros and cons, and I might still think about it once released.  There's another time I was considering a fantasy baseball trade and took advice from three others on if I should pull this off...and let the deal stall for weeks before nixing it.  This is fantasy baseball we're talking about and I couldn't make a decision on if my team would be better.

My issue with decisions really comes from a simple desire above all: to do the right thing.

Somehow the supermarket isn't as confusing.
Mainly because I know what I want already.

I hate being given too many choices; the more equal choices I have, the harder it is to pick one. I get scared when I'll choose what is the "wrong" one and suffer the consequence of regret or blame. For years, I was almost always about chicken meals at restaurants, particularly fast food. I didn't want to make the tough decision in that case, and thankfully I did not have to.  I know what works, if I stick with that, then I can't make a mistake.  I think that's also a small part of what made me so good with learning maps and following routes after repetition.  It's "kind of like a rat learning a maze," to quote something I saw on the Wrong Planet forum. If I follow familiar and tested routes, then I'm less likely to hit a dead end and collapse from anxiety.

The reverse is when I act on impulse. I sometimes act because there's a need for me to do something right away, going back to a need to prove myself.  When driving, I'll make a rash decision on what direction to take just to show others that I know exactly where I'm going, even though my "human GPS" tag only applies to places I've studied on the map for a long time. I've also made some rash decisions at work to show my value, which hadn't consistently paid off.

The decision to me, is more of a validation, to put it in blunt terms.  I want to be right for myself and everyone else and show the world what I can do.  All interconnected.

"Resident Player"

I am part of this autism spectrum volunteer/support group in the area, and the support part happens each month. So this time we were talking about dating and social relationships as the first in a two-part series, since it's a huge topic for all of us.

At one point, the discussion facilitator referred to me as the 'resident player' when mentioning experiences that others had.  I think it stemmed from a comment I made about hitting the dating scene and how I had 'dates with girls' on the dating scene.  The key is that it was plural.

I know they say that most Aspies don't have a lot of dating success.  I can't say I've had a ton of it myself; I still think I lucked out having the same girlfriend for some 4.5 years, which means I spent a lot of time not dating around.  There are some superficial advantages.  Though you can't see a picture (at least now), I believe myself to be a reasonably attractive young man; I also live in the heart of Philadelphia where there are plenty of singles waiting to date a reasonably attractive young man.

That might be another part of why I received such a comment, as I mentioned multiple women and in contrast to some other members I'm seen as one of the ones who could sometimes pass off for an NT.  Most of the group I was with for the support session, the majority (I'd say 80-90%) were not married, and only half of us were in or recently got out of relationships.  Maybe that's what contributed to the comment.  I was able to speak as a nice guy, while some Aspies were convinced that you had to be a jerk to get a female; the females in the place weren't into jerks themselves, but people are just different.  I'm still getting used to this whole 'player' rep that I apparently have relative to people like myself.

It isn't even a rep.

I Can't Answer That Question

Has someone asked you a question simply because they want to hear your answer for entertainment purposes?  You ever have that question you feel like you are being pressured to answer a question one way or another but you can't?  Either that or you're afraid it will come out wrong?

Me too.  I get that a lot more than some folks, as during my school years, people became aware of my social ignorance as I wasn't hanging with the crowds that used slang or double meanings.  Back in the late 90s, for some reason that I still can't wrap my head around today (oh snap, there goes a double), people used the word 'staple' to describe others.  So I was asked "Do ya think this guy is a staple?  Do you think you're a staple?"  My answer?  "I'm not a thing that holds papers together.  I ain't a paper clip either."  The kids looked confused and concluded that I was, well, a 'staple' or something.  Or there was one time I was asked the question about how many bases I ran when the person in question knew I had been talking to this girl the previous night.  I didn't know how to answer it, so I jokingly said all of them.  Combined with my dry delivery, I was taken a little more seriously then I expected.  There was shock and a possibly sarcastic high five, but I had no clue what happened.

What I'm getting at is not as much the terms themselves as whether or not to answer the questions.  In later years I have begun to keep mum, as most of the time I will get chuckled at if people catch on to my weirdness.  So I decide to cope using one of two methods:

1. I mention that I don't have an answer (or 1a, that I simply ignore the question).
2. I give them this really weird answer which is irrelevant to the question and throws off the person who is asking such a dumb question anyway.  It's funny to me when I say "well, you expect me to answer it because of your own dull amusement, since you know I won't be able to give an answer that isn't ridiculous.  So I think I'll have a little fun and run on.  You may laugh, but I will forget you even asked.  Memory is selective.  Since I'm a mini-professor and all, you want to sit down for a lecture?  I mean, if you ask that question you probably want a lecture, right?"  I take the chance that I won't get beat up.

I have not been asked as many of these questions now since most of the world has matured.  Nowadays I get asked questions by friends for a reaction on a rare occasion, but in the way that any NT would...or so I think.    People have done it today, but over time I also realized who my true friends were, and they know their questions are stupid but they only rag on the random things I say (which my old roommates coined as 'Vossisms').

However, you never know if a kid in school will be asked a particularly humiliating question.  Sometimes I would have been best to ignore them in the day, as the people asking these questions weren't worth anyone's time.  Thing is, even if you don't know how to answer the question, then just don't even attempt to answer it.  This might leave those 'cool folks' in the dust; you never know.

A History of Introversion

The autistic is typically an introvert.  (S)he does not talk to people often, especially at large parties, and waits until the appropriate turn to speak.  The autistic is not known for having large circles of friends and can generally be reclusive.  There is generally a threat that comes from conversation, and when the autistic does become more outgoing, it is a frequent occurrence that it is the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Now that I got that National Geographic study intro over with, I will acknowledge that there's no exception here.  So maybe I can end my blog, or explain.  I am a guy with a lot of "friends" meaning that they are acquaintances I know from my college days, know from my high school days, or met at random or through a mutual friend.  However, there are very few that I call true friends...and even I can be afraid to talk to them from time to time.  That's really because my own introversion keeps me from letting people get close unless I choose the time.

Apparently I didn't speak that much when I was a child, as I preferred to stay inside my cocoon (house) with my parents and little brother, the three people I had a comfort zone with.  Thanks to this, mom would set me up for occasional play dates with the neighbors' kids or kids from the preschool camps.  Those broke me out of my shell, and I was especially encouraged to interact with the other kids in my K-1st classes.  I was in a special education unit those two years, as they were unsure how I would function amongst the other 'mainstream' students.  In the special education class I was free to act like me (for the most part) since other students were the same way.  In first grade, this one kid and I would 'plant a tree' right before the end of the day.  We would go to a different spot in the room and do the whole routine.  Sometimes we students would use words in the wrong context just because the word sounded cool but it didn't sound wrong, and I wasn't aware of the concept of being made fun of by others.  I just thought it was school and didn't know that this was anything odd.  That was, until I hit the second grade and was actively mainstreamed in with other students.

The only problem is that introversion became greater during these years.  Don't get me wrong, I made friends, but I was at my most obnoxiously extroverted during my years at Abraham Lincoln Elementary, where I would confuse the other students with some of my actions, talking about making fake movies and coming up with the most literal explanations for everything.  It was starting to hit me that not everyone cared about the crazy stuff that I talked about, and it caused me to hole up slightly.  I did it more so in middle school, as I wanted to be a 'cool kid' like anyone else, but I also didn't feel like I fit in with any certain crowd.  The 'nerds' were too into Pokemon for me, while I was nerdier than anyone, into obscure sports stats and the weekly movie configurations.

By high school I had drifted from some friends while staying close to others.  The interesting thing about high school was that I was definitely acting much more 'normal' than I did in my initial mainstream schooling but even more introverted.  I became very focused on trying to enhance my transcript for college and recognizing my introversion to the point that I turned this into a persona.  I wanted to be seen as enigmatic since I was a little weird, and fell into my own introversion.  So I was talking to people and making friends, but also letting introversion consume me because I was set on getting into the best college possible and 'shutting up the haters' at any cost.

College was probably the best time for me to break out of the shell.  Living in a dormitory and finding more "like-minded" folks involved in classes and programs essentially enforced connections with others.  Also, some of the stereotypes of classes of people further broke apart in college.  I also happened to view college as a fresh start, where I could

Fast forward to three years after graduation.  Since I live downtown in Philadelphia, I am around more people than I have ever been, which allows for some random interaction.  However, I prefer to keep to myself and blend in with the city most of the time.  That doesn't mean I haven't met people within networks, as I have actually become friends with a couple current and former coworkers, and even a couple of random acquaintances who share my interests.  It's really about making an effort to speak to others when I am comfortable, and other times I would just prefer to keep to myself.  I have comfort in my introversion, as I'm sure most spectrum people do.

How do I deal with my own inability to be outgoing?  I guess that's where things are different.  As mentioned, I still talk to myself a lot, and on occasion someone would hear me do this (particularly sharing an apartment with 4-6 others during my last three years of college).  I think even my neighbor upstairs can hear me from time to time.  My other alternative is to start going on and on concerning a subject when I visit a friend, but that can be an annoying habit...ask my parents, my ex-girlfriend, or any of my closest pals.  It's an easy way to talk to others when you have someone that might be able to answer you, compared to yourself.  However, there are some subjects that I write notes on or just talk to myself about, and I've learned to be okay with that.

Not all of us with AS are introverted at the same level, as some may be better or worse than others.  However, the amount of time we want to spent talking to others can evolve as we learn more about social mores and begin to apply them.  It will never be easy for me to break from my shell of shyness out of the fear of saying something totally off-color, but I'm comfortable enough in my own skin that I know when I can afford to speak.  Such as when I write a blog entry about talking to others!