You often get perspectives on the autism spectrum from a doctor or relative of a person. I use this blog to share the experience of that person. It’s the inner workings and idiosyncrasies of one man’s mind, an Aspie dealing with everyday situations, trappings of the mind, past and current events, and whatever else comes to me when I blog. I’m not quite human, but I’m not quite a robot.
Over two months have passed. I feel a little different than I did, as it appears I hit that stage of acceptance a month ago. I haven't posted much about her as I've been keeping myself rather busy. The other day, however, I did see a post from a mutual friend of ours on Facebook referencing her, which was the third in a week that I could count.
I can sense that a number of people are still hit really hard with Lindsay gone. I won't deny that I'm still feeling it. However, when seeing the amount of messages, I asked myself if I was not taking it hard enough, or maybe others were taking it too hard. Truth is, we won't all be hit equally because we deal with it differently. I don't bother explaining how much I miss someone beyond events that are triggered in my mind.
People on the autism spectrum were not my best guideline for the steps on how to cope. While many of us went through extended denial phases, not everyone has done what I done. In some cases there has been the obsession, which I haven't gone through. Otherwise we either hole up or indeed distract ourselves with activity. My activity keeps me from the obsession, or at least I feel that way. I couldn't bring myself to write about Lindsay because I got caught up in helping myself get on a good life path, or at least to pave an altered direction for when I figure out where the new point B is located. I still don't know what words can do justice, as I have been worried about my personal growth while sometimes talking aloud to her as if she can hear me, sometimes using it to either rationalize or question my decisions.
Sure, the title of this entry is named after a Genesis song that came out during the mediocre pop dinosaur period, but it was easy enough to relate to, even if the song is about a breakup and not a death. One line of the song is "but I still miss you; I keep it to myself." That's what I have been doing rather subconsciously. I've figured out that my way of coping has been pouring myself into all my future goals that we talked about since before the summer. Here's what I did in October:
I finally joined a gym, and one of the nicest in the area. I signed up for a trial of Boot Camp at my gym as well, which I'm not continuing because it costs way too much on a monthly basis.
I made a decision with my MBA to focus solely on applying to North Carolina State, and not UNC. I went to a Kenan-Flagler session, which was very informative, but I recongized that getting admitted would be a somewhat daunting task, and three years full time with the dual MBA/MSIS program is not practical. Besides, State's Jenkins MBA is among the best 75 part-time programs in the nation; it's not too far of a drop-off.
I took my exam, and I started to study for the next go-round of the GMAT as well, hoping to get scholarships if I was to falter. Turns out I may not be able to get too many scholarships as a part-time student, so it may not matter at this point. I already spent $400 on GMAT training too before I realized where I was (or wasn't) applying to for my MBA studies.
I went back to attending professional association events for database users, including SQL Saturday in Charlotte, which furthered my decision to pursue MCSA certification.
I am now in talks with the national GRASP chapter concerning the start of a local chapter for the Triangle, which could start in a few months.
I began saying 'yes' to even more social events for a few weeks, going out on weekends and visiting friends much more than I ever did in Philly...or at least since college. It's great knowing how many people are around to help. I can't help but notice that tonight is only the second Friday or Saturday night since I returned from the Philadelphia service trip that I've stayed in, writing this blog entry.
I started to test the waters with dating.
Simply put, I furthered the groundwork for everything I have wanted to do, but I became stressed trying to do it all and began to retreat. It hit me in conversation that I was pursuing everything as a subconscious reaction to Lindsay. Not that these were bad things to do, but that I wasn't quite pacing myself properly since I was also concerned with filling in the gap. That's how I cope...the vacuum is filled in by activity so that I can continue on with life and not lament. I may not have another hard hit until I go to San Francisco to spread some of her ashes. Then again, I may watch a video or play a song on repeat from my September mix and I will have a moment.
So I can learn to accept that we're all mourning the loss of Lindsay in our own particular ways, and I can always defend myself knowing how hard I feel like taking the loss each day. It goes with the territory that comes with caring for a person deeply. There's no way I'm going to be totally over this for a long time, but asking myself how hard the death will shake me at a certain time is just a part of the acceptance. I can live with that.